BEST. JOB. EVER.
The pay sucks, but the rewards are eternal.
Have I done enough?
Did I say/do the right things in the moment?
What will they remember most about their childhood(s)?
So many things rush through your mind as you stand on the doorstep watching your kids, now young adults, walk out of their childhood. I had quite the flood of thoughts this morning.
Twenty-four years ago, we were living in Amsterdam. I was due with our first child any minute. As was the Dutch custom, I was “forced” to go on maternity leave from NIKE four weeks prior to my baby’s due date. Truth be told, I had never felt better. I was still working out and walking daily. I’d already re-read the last several chapters of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” multiple times, painted the baby’s room yellow (twice), washed all the infant clothes (thrice), had the Baby Bjorn, the Diaper Genie and the crib all set up and ready to rock. I was going stir crazy not working while waiting for “the package” to arrive.
And wait we did… 6 weeks to be exact. The Dutch aren’t fans of inducing delivery. At one point, as days past my due date flew by, I’m pretty sure I’d convinced myself I’d be pregnant for the rest of my life. My Dad, still a practicing physician, who had wanted to be there to watch his first grandchild be born, finally relented and said, “Sorry, but I’ve got to fly back to Arizona.” So, my Mom, Mary Ann stayed and waited with us. I remember calling a friend who was an OB-GYN back in the United States to ask “if this was normal”. I could sense her smile through the phone, and she quietly replied, “Good news, Kirsten. I’ve never had a patient NOT deliver.” Ok, fine. Apparently, I had made a very good “oven”, so we waited for Baby Jones to arrive long past our due date. 16 days past, in fact.
And, of course, it was so worth it.
Early in the parenting journey, especially once you are in “neck deep” with infants and then toddlers, you crave a full night’s sleep and can’t recall what it felt like to fly on an airplane without an octopus on your lap. Next thing you know you’re standing on the sidelines at kick-and-chase or tee-ball and panic is setting in with the realization that you must be behind. Parents around you are doing more for their kid. They are ahead! We are behind!
Some have already signed their 5-year-old up for privates, or they are taking their 7-year-old across the border to Canada for more competitive hockey, or they are focusing on what the Universal Tennis Rating (UTR) is for their 12-year-old. We started slow. We must be lousy parents. How will we ever catch up?
Fast forward to middle school and you see all the early bloomers with seemingly LeBron James size and talent taking all the starting spots. And then your middle schooler announces they hate baseball you can’t make them play another season and you think, “We’re hosed. No one quits a sport at 13, takes up and entirely new sport at 14 and has any shot at succeeding at it!” The FOMO is real and you are in the middle of the vortex.
By the time your kid gets to high school, they MAY play two sports (if they are lucky enough to live in the mid-west or somewhere sane where it is actually encouraged) but trying to make even a freshmen team has become seemingly more challenging with larger schools fielding Frosh, Soph, JV and Varsity teams and kids still getting cut!
By Junior year of high school your kid has either pivoted or held on for dear life to not only make the roster but earn some playing time. And then you blink…. And here is where I was at 3:45am this morning. Getting out of bed to take the last of my three who were all home for the summer (yeah!), possibly for the last time (boo!), to the airport. Your kid has either found their groove, is realizing THEIR passion and love for their sport and is potentially going on and playing in college (as two of mine have have) OR, they’ve realized that sports was a wonderful teacher; they’ve learned a lot about teamwork, collaboration, grit, resilience and gratitude and you’ve probably all gone through some "dark nights of the soul” as a family, watching your kid not get to play or be injured or get cut. As they head off to college, they are ready to use all they learned. Pivoting in their journey is not always easy, but when my youngest, Kylie, decided she was ready to chase her next dream of being a screen writer, I couldn’t be prouder of her listening to her inner knowing of what SHE wants and being willing to take a swing.
There is no wrong answer. This is THEIR journey. Not ours. We want them to be all in on whatever it is they are pursuing. Where they go is not who they will be. It is in the curiosity that comes when things don’t go their way, where the most beautiful insights are mined.
3 wishes for my kids this school year (what are yours?):
1) Adversity: Experience some headwinds! Learning how to self-regulate both your time and emotions.
2) Planning skills: Use that burgeoning frontal cortex and try out (again and again) those executive functioning skills. Yes, 8am classes are early!
3) Self-care: Smelling the funk of their clothes lying in a pile in the corner, for weeks (or dare I say months?), while isn’t a wish, it is most likely a reality. Planning weekends to get the laundry done, the meals prepped and the homework done. These gifts of adulting are helping them (and us) move forward on their journeys.
As my husband and I were driving home from dropping Parker off at LAX at 5am, we were both lost in thought, playing back years of memories, simmering in a moment of melancholy in anticipation of what unknowns lay ahead. I don’t recall exactly, but I imagine the conversation went something like this,
Me: “I’m so excited for all three of them. They are OFF!”
Evan: “Yes, me too! AND I can’t believe we are here. At this point we didn’t ever feel possible a mere 24 years ago.”
Me: “I know, me too. Our role has just officially shifted, from dragging and prodding to becoming a “hotline” for updates and panic attacks.”
Evan: “Yeah, I think we’ll still get the 4-1-1 calls for emergency funds needed, but it will also be our role to ask better questions. ‘Hmm, that sounds tough. What are YOU going to do about that?’ It feels like we have officially become our parents.”
Yes, a new normal is here. There will be moments of joy for them experiencing new firsts. And we’ll have a few of our own. We’ll do things we haven’t done in years during non-peak months- i.e, travel! I’ve heard the statistic that 80% of our time together as a family is behind us. I trust we’ve done enough. They will be fine. They are amazing human becomings (aren’t we all?) and I’m so proud they call me, Mom.
Keep going, keep growing-
K
P.S. Freshmen convocation at Loyola Marymount University (LMU) was last night. It was fun to see Kylie wave to us excitedly in the crowd. She’s off to do great things!
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Very well written. Thank you for sharing!