Yes, I know, that’s not very enlightened of me. As a sports parenting coach who’s supposed to be showing others the way to “just enjoy the ride,” why am I being so negative? Because I am a parent. And parents want the best for their kids. Because when they hurt. We hurt. Because sometimes I can’t fix it for them and that sucks. And sometimes the gift IS the pain. Really? Who wants to sign up for that?
Both of my sons played in March Madness this past weekend. My older son, CJ, who plays DIII for Claremont-McKenna/Mudd/Scripps (CMS) (CA) played in the first round of 64 teams last Friday night in Ramapo, New Jersey. (that’s all right- no one else has heard of it, either. I can say that because I’m from Montana.)
And my second born, Parker and his DI Colgate University team (NY) played in Washington, D.C., vs American University in the semi finals of the Patriot League Championship, where the winner automatically advances to the first round of 64.
Claremont lost in a 2OT heart-breaker to Ramapo. It was one of those games that happens as if in slow motion, yet you can’t change the outcome no matter how many times you play it back. Given the program's track record of having gone to the tournament five out of the last six years, Colgate’s loss on Sunday hurt equally as bad.
But even when we can’t fix it, there are things we can do to help ourselves get through those tough moments. Here are a few of my go-tos:
Three Steps to Turn (Short-term) Pain into (Long-term) Progress:
Gratitude is your super power. Start with realizing how lucky you are that they are out there getting to play at all. CJ had a manager on his Boston University team who has a learning difference so never got the chance to play. Yet, ever the fan, he flew to LA TWICE in the last two years to watch CJ play. And last Friday night, Dillon showed up in New Jersey with a big smile on his face, excited to cheer CJ on. What an amazing human. He just loves the game SO much. If your child is on the team, you are winning. My husband and CJ did the math after the loss as we were processing it. I think they worked it out that less than 10% of all DIII players will even get to experience the joy of ever making it to the tournament once. CJ’s team made it both years he was there. “Mom, I accomplished my goal. I made it to the Dance.”
Get clear on your WHY (again). Why did they starting playing? And why do they keep playing? For the full ride? Or the fancy locker rooms? For the social status? Or the free schwag? When all is said and done, the real reason you pursue a passion is for love. If your child isn’t feeling the love any more or if it’s shifting due to factors beyond their control, it might be time to check in and find out if it’s time to pivot. The ball stops bouncing for us all at some point. Sometimes it feels better to be in charge of that decision rather than have it made for you.
Short-term losses for long-term gains.
Ultimately, hardship is a great teacher, if we allow it to be. Every time I hit a headwind, both as a parent but also in my own life, I come back to a few basic questions:
What can I learn from this loss? (what culpability do I have in it and what next steps can I take to move forward.) Sometimes the immediate answer is to wallow in self-pity (for a bit), which is allowed. But eventually we need to dust ourselves off and move forward.
Who can I talk to to help me process this the most productively? (call your sage ‘ride-or-die’)
How can I self-soothe (in a positive way) that will comfort me (and my child) in moments like these.
For me personally, exercise is my most productive outlet. I get my body moving- even if it’s just a walk or a hike. Getting the blood pumping gets my juices flowing, which leads to creative thoughts and stress release.
And for my kids, I like to be a resource. Just be there with them. Ask a few questions and let them take the conversation where they want to. Processing externally is one of the most helpful ways to work through what happened, make sense of it and then, when you’re ready, take next steps.
One of Kobe’s lasting legacy’s was he loved the grind. He took on headwinds and chiseled them into his mantlepiece. He never allowed defeat to define him. He would take a negative comment he received (too old, too cocky, overrated) and assign a workout too it (sprints x 10, pushups x 100, pull-ups x12 x 5)
So whatever the “loss” is you’re facing, what are you doing about it to grow and move forward?
I already hit the gym today. I think I’ll head out for a hike in the rain.
Keep loving the grind,
Xx
Kir
Always appreciate your wise insights.
And now, onward!
As a grandfather who watched his grandson's Oregon 6A football team go 12-0 before losing in the state finals ... thanks, Kirsten, for the perspective. It's been more than two years since the loss and my therapist says I'm making great progress. Might talk again soon! :)