Raising Empowered Athletes (Book Excerpt)
Chapter 3: Snowplow, Drone, or Helicopter: (Don’t) Pick Your Poison
My book, Raising Empowered Athletes, launches next Tuesday and so I wanted to share an excerpt from my book with you.
With All Due Respect, Get Out of the Way!
When my middle son, Parker, was in first grade, I volunteered to help with the spring party. Eight moms gathered over coffee at a Panera to discuss who was going to organize the games and who was going to bring snacks.
“Who’s finished their book report already?” asked one mom.
Confused by the question, I sat back and listened as several other moms discussed how difficult it had been to make the hanging mobile book report and fit all the words on the page the way the teacher wanted. I was shocked that almost all the moms not only knew what the project was but had obviously completed it (for their child).
Completely unaware of the assignment, after school that day I asked Parker, “Do you need to create a book-report diorama?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I think so, I don’t know. I haven’t read the book yet.”
“OK,” I responded. “Let me know if you’d like any help talking it through—once you’re ready to start.”
“Nah, I’m good, Mom,” he said. “I got this.”
A few weeks later I was in the classroom for back-to-school night and, sure enough, all of the book report mobiles were hanging from the ceiling. Over in the corner was Parker’s, with about as much attention applied to it as you would expect from a seven-year-old boy. His words had hurriedly been scribbled in crayon and he’d given zero effort to spell-check his work. Gobs of glue coated the mobile like mountain snow.
I stood there smiling as the teacher, a 30-year veteran, came over to say hello. Obviously, she was reading my mind.
“Some people don’t think I can tell who did the work, but I can,” she said with a wry smile, “The perfectly typed, double-spaced reports with no spelling errors are pretty much dead giveaways.”
What triggers this in parents is an unwarranted fear that their child will fail. When parents want so badly to make sure their child hits the mark—even when the kid is only six and seven— the erosion of their child’s confidence begins. The parent may think they’re being helpful by doing the homework for the child, but the message the child receives is not helpful at all: you don’t think they’re capable. The child may not begin to put the pieces together until years later, but when they are asked as adults about their confidence and belief in themselves, they might remember an incident as seemingly benign as this. “My mom never thought I was good enough. She started to show me that by doing my first-grade book report—and never stopped.”
Ironically, this same son, Parker, later shared a story from high school he couldn’t believe. “In our chemistry class, we had to research some information, write a report, and create a poster board with our findings. My friend Mark’s artwork was really good, so I asked him how long he worked on the project. He said, ‘Oh, I didn’t do the drawing, my mom did.’” Parker couldn’t believe it so asked his friend if he did the research. “No, my mom likes to do all of that stuff, so I just let her.”
So, what does helping your child complete a more perfect assignment in school have to do with youth sports? Everything. The pressure a child feels of having to do perfect schoolwork is the same pressure he feels of having to turn in the perfect athletic performance.
Let your kids’ athletic “performances” be their own, even if there undoubtedly will be some globs of glue now and then. Resist the urge to do everything but swing the bat or golf club for them. In short, have enough faith in them to let them fail from time to time.
Affluence and free time are a deadly combination for youth-sports parents; they invite over involvement from parents in their children’s sports lives. Ironically, parents who relentlessly pressure their kids to succeed are doing just the opposite: pressuring their kids to fail. When failure is not an option, children pay a price. When parents swoop in to do homework assignments for their kids in grade school and finish projects for them in high school, they are, again, foisting the subconscious message of “you can’t handle this on your own, so we have to take over” onto them.
It’s far healthier if parents, when their child faces adversity, take a deep breath, ask their child what he or she wants to do, and show, some confidence in that child having a say in the matter.
I am so excited to share this book with you all. I hope you read and enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it!
Let’s do this!
xx Kirsten
P.S. Click here to see an Interview I did last week with Dianne DeNecochea, College Volleyball Recruiting Advisor - proactivevolley.com