Whether we’re talking about youth sports or about the greater good of the country, there are “winners” and “losers”. I really hate the word “loser”, but it is a fact that sometimes you don’t get what you want. In the United States this week, some (in fact a majority of those who voted) saw their candidate win, while others felt the sting and upset of seeing their candidate finish a distant second.
It is never fun to be on the losing side. Throughout my adolescence, across all the sports that I competed in including: softball, equestrian, basketball, volleyball, and track & field, ironically, the most vivid memories aren’t the ones I would have guessed they would be 30+ years on. Yes, gratefully, while I was a part of four state high school championship teams, I remember only TWO of them with much clarity. The others I can tell you we got the trophy and the parade down Higgins Avenue but given that it was many years prior to social media and cell phones, there is no footage of the wins. In fact, there may not even be actual photographs, or at least I don’t have any.
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Far more vivid in my memory are the losses. The times it didn’t go well. Like when our #1 ranked Sentinel High School girls basketball team went 32-1 my junior year. We lost in what felt like was slow motion. In the last five minutes, the commanding lead we held all game, slipped painfully away to our arch rivals, Flathead High School. Man, those Bravettes were tough! I still remember their locker rooms, the 1980’s typical version with cold, cracked cement floors, the smell of dried sweat permeating the air and the bright orange metal lockers filled with stinky football pads and dirty socks. I recall sitting stunned on a bench in that locker room after the loss in complete disbelief.
Last May, I was speaking in my hometown of Missoula, Montana, and a woman in her 50’s I didn’t immediately recognize walked up to me and said, “Remember me, Kirsten?” It was the point guard from that Bravettes’s team, Julie Epperly. Julie went on to play DI basketball for the Lady Griz at the University of Montana and, as I recall, a fierce competitor. All these years later, the outcome didn’t matter. That we had both fought hard, did. We hugged and laughed and took a photo together.
My point is that while we get caught up in “winning”, because, let’s be honest, it feels a heck of a lot better than the alternative, there will be more days ahead (if we’re lucky). We must show our kids, win or lose, that it isn’t about the outcome. We must pick ourselves back up off the bench and move forward.
It’s about the journey not the destination.
I was speaking with the mother of a client recently who is going through a personal rough patch. She was quietly berating herself for not being the best version of herself in front of her child at all times. She told me she sat her daughter down after a night where she wasn’t her best in front of her daughter and apologized to her for her actions.
I offered, “Look at what excellent parenting you’re doing. None of us is perfect. We’re all doing the best we can. By you raising your hand, in a quiet moment with your daughter after the dust settled, and admitting a mistake, you are now giving her permission to be “imperfect.” It is in fact the human condition. We are all entitled to try again.
We won’t “win” everything we attempt. In fact, I’d argue if you are, it’s time to raise the bar. The (hidden) gift is in the unveiling of not only what happens to us, but how we choose to respond to it.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself and loved ones hugs and support. Kindness matters. I’m here for it. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need a spoonful- I’ve got loads of it to go around.
Xxx,
Kirsten
We had a wonderful class last Monday. If you are sports parent who is trying to learn more and do better, come join us! It’s never too late.
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Kirsten’s Substack - Raising Empowered Athletes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
